I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
