yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
