Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
