Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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