sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
