Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
