I wish i was in the wii world.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
