So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm passing your future prison.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
50% drunk capacity currently
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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