why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
