$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
