I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
