fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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