A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
