No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize