So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
