I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
