i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
