pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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