We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
