pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Pooping to opera.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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