I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
