Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
