The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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