Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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