my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
