I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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