Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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