I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
