I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Two words: blizzard sex
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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