So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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