I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
