Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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