he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
