I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
