She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize