It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
