no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
