I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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