I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
