ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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