If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
