there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
