what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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