I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
