sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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