oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
