I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
