yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
