The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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