this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
