every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize