did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
