Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize