i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize