apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
