Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
