just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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