Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
