I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
