I hate your face
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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