Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
