I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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