Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize